4 Steps to building a more positive relationship with yourself
You are your lifelong companion.
You can have others but you can't get away from the reality that you are in a relationship with yourself forever. Every day of your life, 24/7. You even dream together.
Which is why how you speak to yourself, in your head, out loud, about yourself, matters.
Imagine walking around every day with a bully by your side. Someone who is always telling you your crap, judging you and pushing you so that you never get to relax and be, or worse imaging someone who is the answer to everything ignoring you. When you voice your needs or want it looks at you so you know you have been hard and then it turns and gives its love, effort and attention to someone else.
Your days are going to become pretty unbearable and draining. Life will feel a whole lot harder and consuming.
I’m here to share my experience of how I changed my inner world into one of kindness and compassion
1 ) Change your inner dialogue
Who wants to go through their days with a "Negative Nelly" following them around?
How you speak to yourself impacts your self worth and how you see life and the world around you. And the great news is you have a choice in how you speak to yourself. You have full power over it.
You may not even notice how you speak to yourself or know how to change it.The words you share with yourself in the private space that is your mind should have kindness or value. Notice when you are being, mean, sarcastic, judgemental and rude to yourself.
Once you learn to notice it you can then start to interrupt the voice.
“This is not helpful”
“ Would I say this out loud to myself in front of people?”
“ Would I say this to another human”?
Ask yourself how you can rephrase this to be kinder, more positive or more compassionate. Keep going at it no matter how silly you might feel, You mind is your private space, not one can hear your or judge you for what goes on in there.
2 ) Explore and learn what you enjoy
A lot of us don't have hobbies outside of Netflix and shopping.
These are distraction hobbies, not mindfulness, grounding or even brain expansion hobbies.
I'm talking about hobbies that YOU, as an individual, know that you like. These are revealed when you try different things and learn along the way what you enjoy and what doesn't spark your interest.
I love knitting, crocheting and jigsaws. They are mindful hobbies as they are repetitive and thus calming for the nervous system.
You cannot calm your nervous system while watching a thriller or buzzing about the bargains you found to buy. These are adrenaline stimulators, which is why we are drawn to them, for the buzz.
I'm in no way saying these are bad but these are not the only hobbies you'll enjoy.
Let go of trying to be cool or in style! listen to the inner child and see what it's telling you it would like to try. If you can't hear what it's saying then go back to basics, what you enjoyed as a kid, or ask a child what's fun and take it from there. Go build a sand castle, build your dream home out of leggo or draw without judgement or expectation.
3 ) Set boundaries with yourself and others
Boundary settings with others can feel daunting. We fear we will rock the boat and risk the relationship. Let's start by setting boundaries with ourselves. It's extremely powerful and will lead to you needing to set fewer boundaries with others.
To set boundaries with yourself start by asking yourself.
What feels right for me that I push aside or don't make time for?
In what ways do let me down by putting others' needs before my own time and time again?
How can I respond when I disagree and I don't want to betray myself or feel confrontational?
4 ) Accept your needs
Do you struggle with having needs? Is it something you try to ignore?
We can feel they take from others or are things that get in the way of our life flowing nice and happily. But needs are something we all have. Our needs are unique to us as an individual. To ignore them is to, to ignore yourself, which is such a cruel act. You are showing yourself that you don't matter, to the person who you should be most important to.
You need to listen, learn and accept your unique collection of needs. Then carve out a lifestyle that acknowledges, gives space and supports them in being met.
Our mind, or the message from society, is we must be important, we need to have purpose and value that serves others. It's not true!
Your world, community, family and job will all survive if you schedule more time for your needs. We have to start building a lifestyle that is sustainable for our health, healing, growth and wellbeing.
Whatever need you feel is too great to be met, I encourage you to challenge that belief. Ask those around you to help you make it possible to meet. You will be surprised how often it's absolutely o.k.
These steps will help you build a more positive relationship with yourself just give them a try.
Change your inner dialogue to one of kindness and value. Life is hard enough without you being hard on yourself.
Explore and play around (pardon the pun) with finding what you enjoy doing. Make sure you get a hobby that excites, inspires or soothes you. Get a few and cover all these.
Set boundaries with yourself. This is the first powerful step in realising what is o.k and not o.k by you. Both in how you treat yourself and in how you let others treat you. once you have grown in clarity and confidence you can try setting boundaries with others.
The all important one, accepting your needs. We all have them so it's o.k for you to have them too. What's not o.k is how much we all try to pretend we don't have them. Take up space! This is your life you give to others, and allow them to give back. Learning your boundaries makes it easier for them to know how best to love and support you.
If you would like my support and guidance while delving into and developing your relationship with yourself I would be delighted to be your support and guide.
You can work with me via video or voice call in 1 to 1 Coaching.
Via the written word that is your Journey Book an 8-week 1 to 1 program. Think of a wise Journal that writes back.
There is also the deep, slow and sustainable path of Always You; my 12-month Self Relationship program. Each month we explore a different aspect that will help you become informed and empowered in loving yourself abundantly.
