How to Prioritise Yourself in the Face of Life's Demands
We live in a world where busy is seen as abundant, but you and I both know that for many, it can actually mean you are lacking in energy, space and time.
Everything these days is instant, and we in turn feel we are expected to be instant in our actions and our responses. It fuels that go go go mentality. We fear that if we stop thinking and doing something, we will fall apart, but if we don’t stop going, doing, and pushing ourselves, we will fall, and getting up takes way more pain and effort than sitting down and resting a moment.
It is not uncommon to get lost in the tangles of work and family commitments where everything feels essential, and often it feels like you are the only one who can do it right.
But have you ever stopped to look at why it's so challenging to prioritise yourself? In this exploration, we uncover the reasons, and I offer guidance to break free from the endless cycle of doing and always being the answer for those around you.
Have you lost yourself in busyness?
Many of us feel trapped in a relentless cycle of busyness—work, family, health, self care, friends, and the long list of other commitments we have. The fear that others will suffer if we take time for ourselves is heavy and keeps us in the loop of constant action and juggling.
It's a fast-paced existence where switching off our 'on' brain feels like a dangerous thing to do. We can feel that if we take a step back, the cogs will come undone and our world will fall apart because of “selfishness”. Real relaxation has become a foreign concept, a lost skill. Have you noticed how we are sold self care which usually involves action and money? More doing and outgoings are not what we need. Later, we will look at how we can keep things simple and restful while soothing our overwhelm, fear, and guilt.
Do these sound familiar to you?
The Self Guilt Trap:
Clients often express their plans to take a moment for themselves, only to find guilt creeping in.
While trying to take a quiet moment to themselves, sipping a cuppa, thoughts of uncompleted tasks and the needs of others overshadow the precious time. The guilt becomes a barrier, preventing the feel the peace you crave.
The struggle of setting boundaries with yourself and others.
Setting boundaries is a common struggle. The guilt associated with saying 'no' or this is not o.k by me, silences us. We get lost in a battle between the scream of our needs and the fear of disappointing others or depriving them. The illusion that you are the only answer once again takes over. Have you ever considered that this illusion that you are the answer or the only one who can do it right feeds your desire to have purpose and value in this world. It's not healthy when it takes so much from you causing you to neglect yourself and your needs.
The illusion that selflessness is a positive:
From childhood, we're ingrained with the idea that our value lies in what we do for others and what we become for this society.
I battled severe depression for years, but work never knew. I still got praised for being outstanding and for going above and beyond. The promotions and pay rises rolled in from me doing more than what was asked and expected from me, or so I assumed.
The praise for being the youngest person in the company to be doing my job felt good. I didn't want to be anywhere but work, and I also didn't know where to be anywhere but work. Pushing myself so hard that I live in autopilot and “on” mode meant that going home felt empty and sitting down and turning off before sleep felt dark, lacking, and often scary.
The invisible rule dictates that self-care is secondary to caring for others. What you bring for yourself is so much less than being here for others and the world. This societal "norm" pattern becomes a significant obstacle to prioritising one's own needs, without guilt, fear and shame.
And when you think of constant messages of what we should be, how we should be, and what we should want, it's just an on going unhealthy mindset message on repeat in our days.
Transformative Practices for Prioritizing Self-Love.
Shifting towards giving to yourself requires micro-changes. It's my preferred way to make all changes. One tiny step at a time, so the change is manageable, achievable, and sustainable. Doing it this way allows for consistency and repetition, which will slowly rewire into new patterns.
Uncovering and exploring your current mindset and beliefs is where we start to gain awareness, which allows you to notice and choose what changes you want or need to make.
Mapping back (The fastest way to do this) to the origin of your original thinking and doing patterns will give you a greater understanding of why and when they were formed, which frees you from them allowing change to feel easier and empowering you to rewire you brains.
Becoming aware in this way is your key to freedom within yourself and your life.
What happens to my guilt and fear?
Know that letting go of these is safe. Both are mostly mind-made feelings through the thoughts that you are engaging in.
Just because you fear it, doesn't mean it will come through; no matter how sure your mind convinces you it will.
Micro change allows you to notice the impact of your changes, and it's the perfect way to make changes in a way that doesn't shock or overwhelm you or others too much.
As we gradually get you used to your new way of wanting to be and getting there, it allows those around you to get used to it slowly too.
Start to notice when you push your needs and wants aside.
Start to catch those moments and take a pause
Ask yourself, I’m a creating a negative narrative of consequence around what will happen if i choose myself in this moment.
Notice -> observe -> start to change the inner conversation and the outer action
Taking Steps Towards Meeting Your Needs.
Each night, ask yourself:
How did I care for myself today?
How did I abandon myself and my needs today?
What can I do tomorrow to prioritise myself and my needs?
Verbalising your needs before reaching a breaking point is beneficial to you and those around you.
We assume loved ones “should know,” when we are under stress or have a great need that is not being met, but if you don't relay that you need things to change or what you need from them, they often will miss the signs or take action that doesn't make you feel supported by them. It's a shame that their desire to care for you and their good intentions go to waste by getting it wrong. Help them out by putting voice to how best they can support you.
Reframing Responsibility:
The realisation that self-love benefits not only you but everyone around you is a powerful shift. Accepting personal responsibility and allowing those around you to learn theirs responsibility to themselves fosters healthier relationships, as it removes the burden of mind reading and assumed expectations and creates space for open communication.
Your relationship with yourself is the longest and most impactful relationship of your life.
Don’t keep ignoring your needs and pushing yourself aside for others, and then expect them not to keep pushing you aside without even noticing because, well, you did teach them.
Teach people how best to support you, care for you, and love you.
Breaking free from the myth of endless sacrifice isn't just an act of self-love; it's a gift to everyone around you. As you embark on this journey, remember:
